Crack Squirrels (first featured on the Indiefeed Performance Poetry podcast) Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz from http://goo.gl/MSvNBy

Crack Squirrels (first featured on the Indiefeed Performance Poetry podcast) Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz from http://goo.gl/MSvNBy
for #squirrelsaturday  

In the mid-1980s, New York City had a serious problem
and that problem was Crack Squirrels.

Crack Squirrels! the newspaper headlines read.
Crack Squirrels! The local news anchors intoned.
Crack Squirrels! Crack Squirrels!

In the mid-1980s, the Northern part of Central Park
had become infested with Crack Squirrels.
Wild-eyed, craven-mouthed, mad Crack Squirrels.
Jonesing, addicted, twitching Crack Squirrels.
Crack Squirrels who’d do anything for their next fix.

Crack Squirrels! How did this happen? The citizens
of New York City asked after hearing of joggers
being attacked, of bloody scratched up school children,
shaky home video footage of the swarming Crack Squirrels.
Who got these squirrels so addicted to crack!?

In the mid-1980s, the crack epidemic hit New York City hard.
The newly minted-addicts took their rocks to Central Park
to hit their high. When they were done, they left their trash
behind: crack vials, dosed aluminum foil, discarded pipes.

While scavenging for food, the jovial, fat and stupid squirrels
of Central Park – who had been, up to this point, straight-edge
vegans! – got curious and began sniffling the empty vials,
licking the pipes and foil, and they liked it. They liked it a lot.
They liked it too much. They became Crack Squirrels.

Crack squirrels, the police officers said, are becoming
a problem. The tourists don’t know any better. The injuries
are no joke. Squirrels can cause some serious damage,
especially Crack Squirrels.

We need to detox these squirrels! said the animal rights
activists. We need to sedate squirrels and bring them
to a crack-free environment!

No, what we need to do is kill these damn squirrels,
said the republicans. The last things the taxpayers
should be doing is paying for Crack Squirrels to go
to rehab. What we need to do is poison them.

Poison them with what, crack? said the cynics.

Hey, what if a hawk ate a crack squirrel,
said the paranoid hippies. Would it become
a crack hawk? Because that would be a bad scene, man.

No, look, said the zoologists. Squirrels can’t survive
on crack alone. These squirrels aren’t eating, they are
barely drinking, they are spending their days attacking
people for crack. These animals aren’t long for this world.
What everyone should be focused on is how to get humans
to stop taking crack, and once we’ve figured that out,
the squirrel problem will take care of itself.

Wait, wait, wait, what if a coyote eats a crack hawk,
asked the stoner college kids, would it become a crack coyote?
Seriously, I’ve heard there are coyotes like in the ramble,
and imagine if those coyotes become crack coyotes.
I would carry like a whole bunch of crack on me at all times,
and if a crack coyote would come after me, I’d toss the crack
in one direction, and run in the others, and I’d be like,
“Fooled your Crack Coyote!”And I’d be alive.

Nah man, said his stoner friend. I’d carry the carcass
of a crack hawk with me everywhere, because I don’t think
the crack coyote would even know what crack is, right?
Think about it.

Yeah well, said the stoner college kid, Good luck trying
to hunt and kill a crack hawk. Cause, if that’s your plan,
man, if that’s your solution to this whole thing,
That’s the dumbest fucking plan I’ve ever heard.
I’m serious. The dumbest.
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