Originally shared by Feline “Kitty” Kittykat

Originally shared by Feline “Kitty” Kittykat

A very public and open letter that I have created because of the strength of the women I see here on g+.  I am surrounded by strength and that has made me strong enough to share.
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Dear Future Partner,

When I do cower, it is not because I am trying to make someone feel bad.  Yelling at me and telling me that you hate when I do that, letting a growl rumble in your throat, or slamming your fist into a wall
just 
makes 
things 
worse.  

I pull further inside myself.  Your anger directly causes things to be worse.  Your words directly cause me to fear more.  I fear you.  I see the violence in you that I have seen in the past.  Your violent anger does not help, even if you do not hit me.  It's still violence.  It's just violence of the emotional sort.

And yes, I crawl on my belly and say I'm sorry and raise your ire more because that is what I know to do.  If I am sorry, when you do finally hit me, maybe it won't be as hard because I have shown that I am sorry that I've angered you.  And when I shakily say those words, I genuinely mean it.  I mean that I am sorry that I have made you violent.  It must be my fault because 
you are not the first 
and I have come to understand from multiple people's words that this must be true.

None of it rational.  It is a reaction.  It is a reaction that was created to keep me safe.  It has worked in the past and so my mind tries to make it work with you.

Be glad I am trying to keep me safe.

I am getting better, though.  When my friend tapped his hand on my face, pretending to slap me, I looked at him and told him if he continued to do that, my reaction to violence would kick in.  He didn't get angry.  He didn't raise his voice.  He didn't tell me I was manipulating him.  He just hugged me, told me he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again.  He kissed my cheek and playfully did something else, like it was no big deal and he moved on.  And I love him for it.  It's the best thing he could have done for me.  And he kept his promise.  He has not done it since.  I trust him more because of that.  He has shown me how too mitigate my fear with other people.  He has made it so I know how to communicate what I need with you.

I am not too damaged to love.  I don't deserve love less because of my past and my reactions to keep me safe.  I don't need you to walk on eggshells.  I just need you to accept my baggage along with me and to not make a huge deal out of it.  

I'll do the same for you.  

I just need to be hugged and held when things are bad.  I just need you to keep promises.  I need you to not lie.  I need you to stop violent reactions when you see me start to curl up and more importantly, I need you to stop when I ask.  I don't need you to tell me that's just how you are or tell me that I make you feel like you're a bad person.

Right then, you are.  Really.  Think about it.  In my head you are a bad person.  Let that sink in.

Rather than worrying about how I've made you feel with that, hug me and change my perception.  Telling me I make you feel like a bad person sounds a lot like, "You make me violent" and that is not a good thing for my brain to register right then.  You saying that invalidates my emotional reaction and my need to keep myself safe.  Stop yelling, even if you are angry.  Rub my back.  Kiss my cheek.  
It's trauma for me.  
It's deeply rooted and it's a part of me.  
It's a part of me that has kept me safe in the past.  
If it wasn't there, I wouldn't be sitting where I am today.  
I couldn't sit with you.  

Once my reaction is over, then we'll be able to rationally discuss whatever the problem is, but right then where I am, I am in no space that is productive.  It's why I bring the same problems up over and over that you think have been solved.  They weren't.  I just agreed they were to keep myself safe.  We can work on this, though.  *I* can work on this and I have been.  I just need you to listen so I can trust you.

Over time, with enough hugs and cheek kissing and love, maybe my instant reaction will be less instant, but never expect it to go away.  I'm not sure it ever will.  It's in there pretty deep.  However, I have already seen improvement with just my friends.

Just know that I love you, even when I am like this.  There is just a deep seated animal part of my brain that is trying to keep me safe.  Rather than get offended, give it a reason to be wrong.  It helps.

Love,
Me

#EliminateViolenceAgainstWomen