Originally shared by Lucian Randolph

Originally shared by Lucian Randolph

12 Reasons Why Mad-Scientists Prefer To Live In Florida

1 - No state taxes. Mad-Scientists avoid paying taxes because they don’t want to reveal how much money they spend on things like secret bunkers, Death Rays, and minions. You wouldn’t believe how expensive it is to have minions these days. Money not spent on state taxes almost always goes directly into the expenses needed to maintain the ongoing business of being a Mad-Scientist. And Mad-Scientists don’t share their data with other Mad-Scientists.

2 - A really large gulf nearby. My favorite professor in Mad-Science College told me that you should always set up shop near a large gulf. He never told me why, but I believe him because he was right about that mistake in my first attempt at a Death Ray. And he helped me get rid of the bodies. I asked him once if a large bay would work as well as a gulf, but he told me they weren’t big enough. So it has to be a gulf, preferably a big gulf. Yeah, I know California has the Gulf of Baha, but size matters when it comes to things like this. Especially to a state that looks like the limp penis of the United States. Florida needs its big gulf.

3 - A corrupt communist dictatorship only 90 miles away. Bonus points for the dictatorship being on a tropical island. One of the first lessons in Mad-Scientist College is that a Communist Dictator is your best friend. Back when they had money, they were the perfect angel investor. You could talk them into almost anything if you hit the right buttons in your pitch. Now they’re mostly useful for disposing of really big experiments gone bad. The last one I dropped off in Cuba was so big, I had to send it over on a tanker ship. If it weren’t for the U.S. Military Base on the eastern tip of Cuba, it would be the most perfect Communist Dictatorship partner for any Mad-Scientist on the planet. As it is, they’re number two. But they try harder.

4 - Two nuclear power plants. This is a no-brainer. Nuclear. Power. Duh. The very nature of Mad-Science is based on lots of power. Remember Frankenstein? He had to use lightning and look at the inconsistent results he got. Power is good and lots of very strong power is better. Lots of good strong electrical power can only be topped by using nuclear power to make that electricity. Besides, only nuclear power generation operates at the mandatory energy inefficiency required to maintain your status with the Mad-Scientist Guild. It’s hard to find any other system of power that burns only a couple of percent of the energy in its fuel, uranium, and then tosses the rest into the nuclear waste bin. Unfortunately, we’re running out of uranium, so most Mad-Scientists have to rent their nuclear power plants instead of building their own. Florida is great for this because money can buy you anything here. And they give away some nuclear waste for free with every order. Go free enterprise.

5 - Big Rocket Launching Facilities. When I was a freshman at Mad-Scientist College, I was positive the first big piece of equipment I bought when I went into private practice as a Mad-Scientist would be my own rocket. But then you start taking economics courses and you eventually read things like the classic, “Death Ray Development: A Cost Analysis Between In-house or Offshore Engineering.” Then you let your childish visions of world domination go. When I got into the real world and started my own Mad-Science Laboratory, I realized that any truly feasible plan for world domination would require sound economics as well a psychopathic personality. So until I can justify putting big rockets into my plan, I’m going to stick to lasers and Death Rays… and maybe the odd missile here and there, because missiles are easy to launch. But just in case I get lucky and my plan needs rockets, there are several big rocket launching pads on the Atlantic coast. Very handy.

6 - NASA. When I went to Mad-Scientist College, it wasn’t possible to work directly with NASA… something about national security and not wanting to launch Death Ray satellites. But that was before the Congress gutted the agency both financially and mentally. I will admit, this did produce a short term benefit for the Mad-Scientist profession when so many good rocket technicians became available for hire. But unfortunately, none of the big Mad-Science firms were able to take advantage of this surplus in brain power. These days, NASA is mostly the best rocket parts and military surplus supplier in this hemisphere. They can get you parts for almost anything. And it’s old-school mechanical parts, too. None of this new digital stuff.

7 - Lots of Alligators. I admit it. I have a soft spot in my heart for alligators. They are one of my favorite top predators. And you may not be aware of this, but a pit full of alligators are the mascots for the Mad-Scientist College. I love alligators. Not only do they taste good in a gumbo, they are natural waste disposals. Mad-Science almost always produces bio-waste of some form or another. Things like mutated beasts from genetic experiments gone bad, the remains of the odd lab assistant who ventured into the wrong wing of the building, unwanted guests, and of course, leftovers are all promptly and effectively eliminated by the wonderful hordes of alligators here. Oh yes, we love our alligators here in Florida. But not the same way they love their alligators in Louisiana. I’m just saying.

8 - The Everglades. Every Mad-Scientist eventually learns that you can never be too far away from a really big swamp. Swamps are natural incubators, and they don’t require electricity. Plus you get to travel around in those awesome propeller airboats. My advisor in Mad-Scientist College drove an airboat. He was cool. Next to alligators, the Everglades are one of the things that Florida has that no other state has. Well, except for Louisiana. Louisiana has alligators and a big swamp. But the National Union of Mad-Scientists officially blacklisted the whole state of Louisiana after the “Swamp Thing” fiasco. It’s better to just let that whole thing cool off before any of us think about setting up shop in Louisiana again. I believe the half-life is about 400 years or so.

9 - Inexpensive Politicians and Local Governments. Let’s face it. Unless your daddy is Lucifer, or you’re Sergey Brin of Google, there’s never enough money to build the big plan the way you really want to. Taking over the world, extorting nations, even simple stuff like destroying things with gigantic explosions and orbiting Death Rays cost real money. When you start budgeting for your next mega-blockbuster attempt to destroy the economy of the Europe or take over the water supply of Asia, you need to look for ways to save money. Bribes are so 20th century, but it’s hard to argue with results, and in Florida money gets results. Ever since Walt Disney, the patron saint of Mad-Scientists, convinced the state of Florida to grant him independent nation status for Disney World and to exempt the entire property from state laws, no other state has been so willing to attract the Mad-Scientist profession. And depending on the county you start your Mad-Science in, you might be able to get a really decent financial incentive package from the closest city council. Just be sure to never underestimate the budget for bribing the local Sheriff. Graft is good.

10 - High population of elderly. This is important for a few reasons. One, the elderly are easy to convince to become guinea pigs for experiments. No good Mad-Scientist can operate without a large supply of guinea pigs. Old people are perfect for this. Many of my classmates at Mad-Science College preferred to use young people, preferably college undergrads, in their experiments. Not me. I prefer to use old people, mostly because they’re easy to get to volunteer to be in the experiment. Usually you only need to promise them it will improve their chances at winning at Bingo. Second, if your genetic experiments happen to give them more energy and take away the aches and pains of old age, they’re usually more forgiving that you turned them into an iguana. Third, their memories aren’t what they used to be, which means it’s much easier to deny their accusations when they tell the authorities that you performed strange experiments on them. And finally, Florida loses old people all the time. If you take a few extras, no one is likely going to notice. Especially if you give them back when you’re finished.

11 - Readily Available And Expendable Workforce. It cannot be overstated, dumb people make the best workforce for much of the grunt work involved in Mad-Science. Toxic chemicals, dangerous equipment, lethal working conditions, abusive management, and little pay don’t attract the same level of worker as they did when the state of Florida was young. But you can’t sit around missing the good ole days. Thanks to years of educational and early development cutbacks, the state of Florida has one of the greatest populations of dummies in the entire country. Pretty colors and computer generated ad campaigns will get you all the workers you need. However, a word of advice from experience. Make sure that your Mad-Science Lab is near a convenience store where they sell Lottery Tickets or you’ll have a high turnover among your workforce. Of course, if your work causes a high turnover due to the frail nature of the human body, then you can count on having a fresh stock of replacements lined up ready to take their place. Peasants are not easy to come by these days, but Florida fresh fodder is hard to beat as a natural resource.

12 - Multiple Easy Escape Routes. You know what they say, “The best laid plans—” Oh, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes we bad guys lose. It doesn’t happen often in this state, but we’ve all seen the James Bond films. When the authorities are closing in on your Evil Lair, you need to have a backup plan. You need to think about the possibility of failure and be prepared. I know most Mad-Scientists like me know that it’s inconceivable that their plans could not be perfect. But you never know when those damn guys in the white hats might get lucky. If that happens, remember that Florida is a peninsula. Most of it has ocean on three sides. From the middle of the southern part of the state of Florida, you’re never more than 100 miles to international airspace or waters, and you have three different directions to go. This is most useful if you plan on having two decoys… but that’s my personal escape plan. You think up your own plan. Florida offers the Mad-Scientist more good escape routes than any other state except Hawaii. And there’s been a moratorium on setting up a Mad-Scientist Laboratory or Evil Lair on an island ever since that little problem in the Bermuda Triangle. But the that was a long time ago.

#humor #satire #funny #essay & h/t Yonatan Zunger for inspiration